Having just heard the tale of how the party cleared out the 2nd level of the dwarven ruins without him, Zandalf staggered to his feet and headed over to the bar for another round.
"Let me tell you," he slurred "of how I, with almost no assistance, cleared out the 2nd level of the dwarven ruins... somewhere over in that direction." Zandalf pointed in a direction almost entirely opposite of where the ruins actually were.
The barkeep, who hadn't noticed Zandalf at all, looked up to see him staring expectantly and pointing at the wall. He glanced at the wall, back at Zandalf then shrugged, returning to polishing a glass.
"The party stood at the top of the stairs, waiting, as I, Zandalf the Bold descended into the depths. Even before reaching the floor I was beset by enemies as at least 50, nay 100, Stirges descended from the ceiling!" Zandalf, somehow misreading the barkeep's utter lack of interest, continued.
"While first and foremost a wielder of the mystical arts, I am also renowned for my skills with a blade!" Zandalf pulled his knife out with a flourish and promptly fumbled it into a bowl of nuts on the bar. "It was child's play for me to dispatch them, and soon the few remaining stirges fled in terror lest they meet the same grizzly fate!"
"Reaching the bottom of the stairs I called to the rest of the party, and heartened by my bravery they followed me down. We headed east across a stream and into another cavern. Sensing something was off I called to Vanekas, whose perceptions are second only to my own, to come forward. 'Over there', I said to him, 'do you see it?' I already knew what it was, you understand, but I wanted Vanekas to feel some sense of accomplishment. Can you guess what we saw?" The barkeep continued ignoring him. "It was TROGLODYTES, those stinking, sneaking bastards! Thanks to my keen senses they were unable to surprise us. Inspired by my leadership the party landed many a precise blow! Amos and Vanekas buried arrows directly in their eyes and Dis struck one in the neck, right where I had taught him Troglodytes were weakest." Zandalf stood with fist clenched, staring into the distance, pretending to remember.
"There was a door to the east but we decided to head south where the way was open. In a passage that branched off the main tunnel we found an ancient skeleton, grasping a magical blade. The skeleton was covered in spores that looked poisonous so we, I mean I, devised an ingenious method to extricate the blade. We would loop a rope around the pommel and tug it away from a distance. 'Zandalf the Shrewd' they used to call me at the magisterium. Against my better judgement I allowed Vanekas to attempt it and the task was bungled. Thankfully no ill came of it. I allowed Dis to keep the blade, as what need has Mighty Zandalf of such a crude weapon?"
"To the south was the largest cavern yet. Sensing no immediate threat we decided to head back to the unopened door in the previous cavern. I pushed everyone behind me and tugged the door open, revealing the most ferocious bear you've ever seen! That's the most ferocious bear YOU'VE ever seen, mind you, not me. I've faced and defeated countless bears that were more ferocious. 'Zandalf Bearsbane' some call me. Anyway, feeling sorry for the bear, whose life would surely end were we to come into conflict, I stood between him and the party and pointed toward a tunnel to the north that seemed to lead out to the forest. All the while Vanekas pretended to talk to the bear, but what would be the point? My steely-eyed gaze was all the message that bear needed and he was soon on his way."
"From there we headed back west to the original cavern and turned south through a previously unexplored tunnel. We came upon a raised stone platform that overlooked the same huge cavern we'd spied earlier. Upon the platform Twenty-three sepulchers stood, clearly the resting place of the dwarven dead who had originally inhabited these tunnels. Only three sepulchers had death dates and contained skeletons, leading us to believe the rest of the dwarfs had met an untimely demise. Falwell was unable to detect any undead, which I had known would be the case, so we looted the graves. I mean, they're not using it, right? Looting is the whole reason we're down there. I mean, that and making the lands safe for the common folk. 'Zandalf the Benevolent' they call me."
"We headed down a short flight of stairs into the main cavern and there, along a cliff on the eastern edge, we came upon a couple gricks. Nasty tentacled things. Again, I took on a leadership role and under my instruction the party filled the gricks with arrows and crossbow bolts from a distance. When they were close enough to us we switched to hammer and sword and made short work of them."
"There was a locked door to the east. Amos tried to pick the lock and Gimmelstob and Dis attempted to force it open but failed. Had I tried we would doubtless have been through it in a matter of moments." Zandalf glanced over his shoulder to make sure the party wasn't paying attention to him. The barkeep, also not paying attention, had walked away. Zandalf headed down the bar after him, finishing the dregs of abandoned drinks along the way.
"Anyway, we got a bit of treasure there which I'm allowing the others to hold onto for now. I'm sure I'll get my cut soon enough... We headed south through a tunnel from there and came to another cavern with a stream running through it from east to west. To the east was a set of spiral stairs leading down. Not wanting to leave anything at our backs we headed west up the stream."
"On the south side of the stream we came upon a giant white lizard chained to a wall. Huuuuge goddamn lizard. Second biggest white lizard I've ever seen, you know what I'm saying? hehe. The ol reptile, eh? You know what I mean..? My dick. I'm talking about my dick, which is twice as big as that lizard, which, like I said, was really big... and I'm being generous to that lizard here because it only wishes it was half as big as the ol magic wand. hehe... 'Zandalf the Girthy'. Anyway, this big fuck darts forward and bites the SHIT out of Gimmelstob, really chomped him. I feel bad for letting him out front like that, as I would have easily evaded that beast and felled him with a single blow!" Zandalf went to hammer his fist on the bar and just missed, skinning his knuckles on the edge. "ooOOOWWwww... that's kinda like what Gimmelstob sounded like. I'm trying to paint a picture here, just being as descriptive as possible. 'Zandalf the Illuminating'. So, Gimmelstob starts hacking at this lizard and Dis goes running forward to help out. I turn to Falwell and I says to him 'Hey, Falwell, hook Dis up with some channel divinity.' Recognizing my wisdom he does just that and Dis lands this monster blow, really cleaved that lizard. A circumcision if you will, hehe. The lizard doesn't like that and he turns and bites Dis now, practically eating him. But that was all she wrote for the lizard. Recognizing that it was almost dead and they didn't need my assistance to finish him off I directed the party forward to put an end to him. Found another chest full of loot in there, Which, you know, I'm probably going to get the lion's share of. Gonna be rich. 'Zandalf the Prosperous'."
Zandalf puffed out his chest and nodded sagely to no one in particular. Forgetting to order another round he turned and headed back toward the party, pissing his robes as he went.
"Let me tell you," he slurred "of how I, with almost no assistance, cleared out the 2nd level of the dwarven ruins... somewhere over in that direction." Zandalf pointed in a direction almost entirely opposite of where the ruins actually were.
The barkeep, who hadn't noticed Zandalf at all, looked up to see him staring expectantly and pointing at the wall. He glanced at the wall, back at Zandalf then shrugged, returning to polishing a glass.
"The party stood at the top of the stairs, waiting, as I, Zandalf the Bold descended into the depths. Even before reaching the floor I was beset by enemies as at least 50, nay 100, Stirges descended from the ceiling!" Zandalf, somehow misreading the barkeep's utter lack of interest, continued.
"While first and foremost a wielder of the mystical arts, I am also renowned for my skills with a blade!" Zandalf pulled his knife out with a flourish and promptly fumbled it into a bowl of nuts on the bar. "It was child's play for me to dispatch them, and soon the few remaining stirges fled in terror lest they meet the same grizzly fate!"
"Reaching the bottom of the stairs I called to the rest of the party, and heartened by my bravery they followed me down. We headed east across a stream and into another cavern. Sensing something was off I called to Vanekas, whose perceptions are second only to my own, to come forward. 'Over there', I said to him, 'do you see it?' I already knew what it was, you understand, but I wanted Vanekas to feel some sense of accomplishment. Can you guess what we saw?" The barkeep continued ignoring him. "It was TROGLODYTES, those stinking, sneaking bastards! Thanks to my keen senses they were unable to surprise us. Inspired by my leadership the party landed many a precise blow! Amos and Vanekas buried arrows directly in their eyes and Dis struck one in the neck, right where I had taught him Troglodytes were weakest." Zandalf stood with fist clenched, staring into the distance, pretending to remember.
"There was a door to the east but we decided to head south where the way was open. In a passage that branched off the main tunnel we found an ancient skeleton, grasping a magical blade. The skeleton was covered in spores that looked poisonous so we, I mean I, devised an ingenious method to extricate the blade. We would loop a rope around the pommel and tug it away from a distance. 'Zandalf the Shrewd' they used to call me at the magisterium. Against my better judgement I allowed Vanekas to attempt it and the task was bungled. Thankfully no ill came of it. I allowed Dis to keep the blade, as what need has Mighty Zandalf of such a crude weapon?"
"To the south was the largest cavern yet. Sensing no immediate threat we decided to head back to the unopened door in the previous cavern. I pushed everyone behind me and tugged the door open, revealing the most ferocious bear you've ever seen! That's the most ferocious bear YOU'VE ever seen, mind you, not me. I've faced and defeated countless bears that were more ferocious. 'Zandalf Bearsbane' some call me. Anyway, feeling sorry for the bear, whose life would surely end were we to come into conflict, I stood between him and the party and pointed toward a tunnel to the north that seemed to lead out to the forest. All the while Vanekas pretended to talk to the bear, but what would be the point? My steely-eyed gaze was all the message that bear needed and he was soon on his way."
"From there we headed back west to the original cavern and turned south through a previously unexplored tunnel. We came upon a raised stone platform that overlooked the same huge cavern we'd spied earlier. Upon the platform Twenty-three sepulchers stood, clearly the resting place of the dwarven dead who had originally inhabited these tunnels. Only three sepulchers had death dates and contained skeletons, leading us to believe the rest of the dwarfs had met an untimely demise. Falwell was unable to detect any undead, which I had known would be the case, so we looted the graves. I mean, they're not using it, right? Looting is the whole reason we're down there. I mean, that and making the lands safe for the common folk. 'Zandalf the Benevolent' they call me."
"We headed down a short flight of stairs into the main cavern and there, along a cliff on the eastern edge, we came upon a couple gricks. Nasty tentacled things. Again, I took on a leadership role and under my instruction the party filled the gricks with arrows and crossbow bolts from a distance. When they were close enough to us we switched to hammer and sword and made short work of them.""There was a locked door to the east. Amos tried to pick the lock and Gimmelstob and Dis attempted to force it open but failed. Had I tried we would doubtless have been through it in a matter of moments." Zandalf glanced over his shoulder to make sure the party wasn't paying attention to him. The barkeep, also not paying attention, had walked away. Zandalf headed down the bar after him, finishing the dregs of abandoned drinks along the way.
"Anyway, we got a bit of treasure there which I'm allowing the others to hold onto for now. I'm sure I'll get my cut soon enough... We headed south through a tunnel from there and came to another cavern with a stream running through it from east to west. To the east was a set of spiral stairs leading down. Not wanting to leave anything at our backs we headed west up the stream."
Zandalf puffed out his chest and nodded sagely to no one in particular. Forgetting to order another round he turned and headed back toward the party, pissing his robes as he went.